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anatomica

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[] 20 Oct 05//1:30p
Riding my books for ages through hills, alongside the ocean. It was a freeway. I was biking after someone, &it seemed symbolic. It was a boy whom I had a child with, but I didn't remember him or ever having the child. I was excited because I though perhaps we were in love, or could be. I was chasing him, but we seemed to both know where we were going, &we were going together. Perhaps I only thought I was chasing him.

Then I was in Monterey, with Emily. We were somewhere specific, and left. I forgot why. We had to cross this bridge that was only a tiny little place to walk and ropes on either side. I was trying to carry too many things &couldnt hold all of them and keep my balance at the same time. The groumd was a long ways away. I was practically juggling the things, and I lost my balance. Nothing fell. I hung upside down from the ropes, thinking, I'm strong enough for this. Emily didnt laugh or act scared or get mad at me or anything. She was silent &didnt seem to have feelings about all of it. I hung upsdie down, struggled for a while, and righted myself to some extent- i slid along the rope, not walking, but hanging from my knees. I kicked my things along. They felll off the bridge eventually, but when we got closer to the end &the ground was closer. I guess Emily naviated it without a problem. We ended up in Monterey, in an old part of town, the beach nearby, we were at a pub and trying to get back to where we were.

We had been in Hawaii, it had been impromtu, and I had seen several jewelry vendors selling things I wanted, but they were high class and probably expensive- maybe we wernt in Hawaii after all- but I had forgotten money. We took a cab, although we didnt mean to leave- i was afraid he'd charge us and I didn't have money, but Em said she did and I said I'd pay her back. He didn't charge, it was a free service. We walked back.
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[] 10 Apr 05//10:49a
i lived in this room with alot of people. there were tons of animals. giraffes, but they got too tall and we had to take them back to the jungle. a black panther that i was scared of. a donkey. we started locking the panther outside cause we were scared of it. a tiger too. one day we were at the zoo and people were watching. we were supposed to have a routine, we had practiced it once or twice but not here, and we got confused about who and where too pass the mike to. clay was there, and will. they were riding a unicycle but that was part of the routine. clay and i missed giving the mike to each other and had to wait and come back. i didnt remember what to say except vaguely so i tried, just talking about they were doing. and the animals we had at other parts of the zoo. which iwasnt supposed to mention but i couldnt think of anything else to say. the people were on this elevated thing, on top of a buynch of water tanks and among trees. we had these tanks with huge snakes, or whales. we had this thing where you could sit in the tank with the animal you were afraid of. clive owen was there and he sat in a tank with a huge black water snake. i was petrified. we had a king-snake looking animal as well. i started screaming. i couldnt take it. i was so scared of the snakes. i ran away.
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[] 2 Mar 05//9:38a
ever had dreams that come true?
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[] 7 Nov 04//12:25p
DREAM: in a town on the beach. ON a rocky beach with two actors, the girl being nicole kidman. the man had just dissapeared,. to have an affair with another man. but no one knew that. he just dissapeared, and i had been watching some talk show where the female host had said; now this, this is what to do: just dissapear. so the man comes home, we're in the dark, no moon, on the rocky beach,she kisses him, touches him face, doesnt ask any questions. we're standing next to the water, like he came out of it, in a boat, or out of the woods behind us. she bends down, digs a little, pulls something out of the dirt and says, shocked, people have been here! someone was just here! and then later, down the same thing, pulls a small bottole of lotion out of the rocks. the man takes it and hurls it into the sea. denying that anyone had been there, like it was a deserted beach or an offlimits one. right before that, and asian girl on a surfboard surfed right up to the edge of where the ocean meets the land, wearing clothes, completely dry.

later im with another person in the back of someone's car, the seat for some reason, is really close to the roof, my head touches it and i get really cramped and really claustrophobic. then me and dad and another girl are at a dock. i have a black, new sweatshirt on that says Chabot, and im afriad people will recognizer me by it, at least the important people, but i close the strings &pull the hood tight over my face to hide who i am. we walk down the pier and everyone is just stopped, even inside the stores, standing at looking at us. i can feel their eyes on my face and i wish i had something more to hide under. certain people, i know, recognize me. we get closer to the end of the pier. dad's talking or something. i walk up to these two girls dressed in white, i have a full tube of toothpaste in my hand, brand new. from far away, i squirt one of the girls with it. i have the chance to leave now; but i stay. i walk up to her and do it again, then i rub it in on her face; i write HO on her whiter shirt. and walk away. then her father starts chasing me; dad and the other person run back to the car. for some reason, when i get to the end of the pier and try to run up the small incline towards the car, in the parking lot, i cant. im completely winded, but not tired, more like something had just knocked the wind out of me. iremember thinking ihad some disease or preexsisting condition. i feel like im drowning, looking at the car, but im entirelty incapable of reaching it. the girl's father is chasing me, he's an overweight bald man in a dark grey tshirt with a band on it. i look at dad desperately hoping he'll see the m,an closing in on me, but he doesnt notive and starts the car. then i see; the fat man gets into the passenger seat. they open the back door for me, i get in, and we drive away.
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[//+got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me//] 6 Nov 04//11:50p
DREAM! i was in a rink, and we were fighting, a boy was there it was Brian dagoni i think? and one or two other girls. they were videotaping and i watched myself. i think bri was there &she got tossed around but i knocked somebody over. i watched the video tape of myself, and i fought someone and threw them down on the ground &it was glorious.
DREAM! robert lived with us but he wasnt my brother,. Dad bought him a car, and brown mercdedes, and two seater, on old one. i was skating down past the hayward hills. there were all these hosues storing all kinds of junk outside and one woman who somehow lived in all over them.. a grey kitten with grey green eyes who didnt like me. laurel telling me she couldnt make it and she might move to china. and me saying id come visit if that was the case and i understood. something about driving on this road no the side of a cliff.
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[] 19 Aug 04//12:08p
charles hitting on me, his sister with the breast reductions, would you date me for three months? i guess we'd have to see how it goes.

jeseka pushing me out of the way to use the mirror, she was stronger than i thought, us fighting and me couldnt get her down, and then i realized that and then i could. i threw her down on her knees. her prom dresses that didnt match, her looking so happy, our room was the backyard.

the water system full of drains and pipes, seeing a platypus, kindof like waterworld.

the tides coming down the srtreet, me dating the big tall gorgoues guy who didnt say anything, everyone said wow, we taking a long time to introduce everybody. nicole being there.

mom dying, me being sad, she was fragile. emily going to school and writing with chalk everywhere about mom, and lyrics from drops of jupiter.

me babysittng kids at our house, mom and dad asking me to call the parents and ask them to move their car from infront of our house. it was a white van like ours, but it was lowered and dad thought that people would think it was a gang car and come and shoot us. i refused.
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[] 30 Jul 04//10:52a
I was at Zac's house from the swim team. He had a huge paintball field next to a lake. When I got home, Rob asked me How was it? Then I was on a battlefield. There was a scene/battle/attack that played over &over. A band of soldiers would come towards me &some other soldiers, &we would shoot at them, myself included. There was a grenade thrown, but it was paint. I would shoot them- & not feel guilty- but I would never be shot. Ryan was on the opposite team &he would always try to make it through the battle to come see me. Then the battle would be over, the other team would retreat, &he would try again. He &I both never got shot.

Before that, I was at Ryan's house with someone else, another girl I think. We were going to mess around with him or something. It was a nice house with a pool in the backyard, on the ground floor. Then Kyra came home- we didn't think she knew about us- but she didn't freak out, she just walked up to me &asked me to get out of her house, and then she walked over and kissed Ryan. She was weird looking, kindof like in her pictures but not quite as pretty. She was a little bit fat, with smaller boobs, weird poofy hair and not that pretty of a face. I left, and on the way out the door took Harun's hand (dont know how he got there) even though we weren't togther and I knew THEY knew we werent, but I just wanted to spite them and say SEE I have someone too.

Then i just remember me and Harun walking down some street talking. It was a beatiful street lined with stores and plants and vines. I saw Katy and her family in a restaruant though and me and Harun had to duck.
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[] 13 Jun 04//10:27p
dream: holding Timmy Vbs hand, in a meadow, because I was happy to see him. Then letting go because I didn't want anyone to think anything was going on, I just didn't know how else to show him how I felt. Walking towards the light.


&another fucking dream about Ryan. Seeing him at the waterslides or something. Him approaching me &calling me later.... eventually telling me to decide between him &Harun.
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[] 4 Jun 04//12:16p
Weird dream:
Harun &his family were over for dinner, &we were all sitting at the dining room table. No one knows that Harun &I are going out, I just tell Mom &Dad that we're friends. Dad or someone is saying something that makes me angry, &I stand up & yell at the top of my lungs "WILL EVERYONE STOP MAKING FUN OF MY BOYFRIEND!" &then I quiet down &explain that Harun &I are going out. Dad yells at me later, &tells me he's dissapointed in me, &doens't like me, &thinks I am an awful person. I tell him I feel the same way, but after I say that I privately regret it, because I know how much I love and respect Dad.

The other day, I dreamt I was at a boxing match/party, and I got drunk off of 3 shots, and then I got the one-person syndrome like Amanda does, and I wandered around looking for Jonas. Then, back at UOP (even though it looked nothing like UOP) I had forgotten my keys to get into the apartment that Harun and I shared. It was the beginning of the semester, and we had a new dorm number, an I didn't know it. I climbed up the outside of the buildng like a monkey, just to get to the callbox, but then i realized that I didn't know his number, so it was no use. I looked inside our window- the apartment was large &well-decorated- but Harun wasn't inside, although the lights were on.
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[//+someday we'll know//] 18 May 04//12:55p
[ music | sarah mclachlan ]

Dream:
OK first I was Jim MOrrison's best friend. I had to take care of him one day when he overdosed on coke. I took him to the hospital. And then when I went to visit him there, I had to lie to Mom cause I didn't want her to know I had friends who did cocaine. I had to take the Jetta, because I didn't want her to know I was gone, and it was a stick &since I couldnt drive a stick I didn't know how to work the brakes. It was spinning in circles.


Dream 2:
Being an astronaut or something. Landing on this new planet/island. Lots of snow. I was just bumming around, not helping anyone. "Hey this is like Survivor!" I said, after everyone brought in some food- sea snails and the like. We had a sortof a house, and some dishes. We were next to a mountain covered in snow but also right next to the water. It wasn't cold next to the water. Then we went walking, and this hill moved/swung, and we could see this forest on one side, and the ocean on the other in the distance, and these animals coming in, whales, or monsters or something. I think it was an invading people group. I and someone else ran away. We passed this horse-carriage/train track in the forest- we were running on a nice, big open dirt road. We thought no one lived there? But it didn't surprise us. we came to a city. I was trying to figure out why half the island was so colonized &the other half wasn't. I think some of the people got tired of all the walls &fences. So I ran into this building to hide from the cannibals who were coming after us, and it was a museum of sorts, with a docent in there who was talking to some children, and he offered to let me try some sort of ride or experiment, and I remember running around, and then out, and up some stairs, and grabbibg some dead, stuffed animal to help me up/down the stairs because they were really steep. and thinking, they must have known people would do that.

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[] 30 Mar 04//12:28p
I had this awesome dream! I was at this place with a pool- and there was this girl in there who took care of... the dolphins! it was so cool! &one of the dolphins swam up to me &gave me a hug! (if thats possible). It was awesome! &I was like... I love dolphins... I want to work with them for the rest of my life. There was a light-colored dolphin &a dark one. They were jumping around &it was gorgeous- but I was sad because their cage was so small!
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[//+&the streets only knew your name.//] 26 Mar 04//1:03a
[ mood | the man. ]
[ music | van morrison//philosophers stone ]

I just started watching this amazing movie called "Waking Life." It talks alot about dreams. It'll blow you away- watch it!

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